I wasn’t going to share today. As a matter of fact, this is now my fourth time starting from scratch. Each week, I share with you all from a vulnerable place…I share my real life. Truthfully speaking, I didn’t want to be vulnerable this week so I wasn’t going to post at all. “Sharing my story. Changing a life.” I have to share. It’s my assignment. It’s my purpose. It is my vulnerability that helps others. Today I hope it helps me too.
I wasn’t going to share today because I’ve gotten my feelings hurt. Yeah, that’s the gist of it. I don’t have the strength to hold my guard up. I am a pretty resilient woman who can typically take a licking and keep on ticking. It takes a lot to offend me. When punches are thrown, I can dance around that ring like Muhammad Ali, and if a punch lands, I can shake it off and keep it moving. Life taught me how to do this dance. But what happens when the punch actually knocks the wind out of your chest? What happens when there is soreness because you’ve sought to turn the other cheek?
I won’t get deep into the actual factuals. Though I typed it all out in detail, I erased every word. It is never my intention to be messy or offensive, so I will be vague to protect the guilty. I’ll just put it this way, I was recently dismissed by a “friend.” Someone who called me sister just a few months ago deemed it just fine to invade my inbox to give me a piece of her mind all because she was offended by my stand for what is right. In the end, she told me that if I responded she wouldn’t even read it because she “didn’t feel like the back and forth.” In another occurrence, a “friend” who once called me sister took advantage of my time, my services, and my good heart. I’m still waiting for the other end of the bargain to be upheld. Lastly, I have been through the ringer with a few individuals who I share a working space with. Despite making concessions, offering solutions, compromising, and seemingly bending over backwards, nothing I did was good enough. This is draining.
These incidents aren’t my main focus. To some they actually may even seem very trivial. I guess my main point to this post is to say life isn’t perfect. I’m not perfect. I AM NOT A SUPER HERO! I bleed, cry, hurt and feel just like everyone else. Unfortunately, when it seems that you have your life together, people will either expect you to just be okay or they’ll take jabs because they assume you won’t be affected by it. THAT IS NOT TRUE! The truth is that if the ocean keeps beating against the rock long enough, it will being to erode. If the wind blows that palm tree long and hard enough, it will weaken at the point it bends. And if I keep taking punches eventually I’ll have a few bruises. This week, I felt every bruise.
For the record, I’m not perfect in the least bit, but I try.
I’m sure somebody reading this post can relate to me. I know this because God wouldn’t let me skip this week of sharing. Maybe you didn’t endure what I’ve endured recently but you know what it feels like to get your feelings hurt. More specifically, you know what it feels like to get your feelings hurt by those who are supposedly so close to you. Some of the hardest pain to process is the pain that comes from someone who actually knows your heart. When you are misunderstood by someone who gets you, when you are taken advantage of by someone who knows your struggle, when you are cut off by someone who knows just how hard it was for you to open up…THAT’S when you heart aches silently. I say silently because I’m not the type to post anything on my Facebook wall and tag the individual. As a matter of fact, it takes A LOT for me to address the issue, and I’m not going to do it too many times. Instead, I’ll feel the twinge of the bruise and ask God to help me. Maybe you like me have been secretly nursing your wounds and praying that the ones who are closest to you would stop causing them.
“I just want people to stop taking advantage of my good heart,” I said in a voice barely above a whisper with tears running down my face. “I’m a good person.”
At our core, we all just want people to be gentle with our heart. We want someone to care about US the way we care about EVERYONE ELSE!
“…I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime–until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.”
Isaiah 46:3-4 [New Living Translation]
God cares. (I probably could end my post right there.) I’m not convinced that I believe in a God who is only concerned with what I can do and be for Him without caring about me. He loves me to my core. I believe that, like a father whose heart aches when his children are hurting, He wanted to make things better for me.
It’s so easy to maneuver through life feeling as if you don’t have a moment to just break down or at least not be strong. Seemingly someone is always depending on you. I think it is easy for people to see the great progress you’ve made and forget that you’re still in a process. Even with the well-written blogs I’ve posted over the last nine months, I am only chronicling my healing journey. I’m not there yet. There are still nights that I cry myself to sleep. There are still days that I feel so lonely. There are still times where I feel unappreciated. If the truth is told, incidents like the few that I’ve shared can sometimes make the thoughts that I’ll never be good enough or I’ll always get stepped on seem true. You get what I’m saying?
The consolation: “…I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born. I will be your God throughout your lifetime–until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.”
God is never going to stop caring about this big heart of mine. He’ll never stop caring about me. I can’t guarantee that all of those wrongs will be made right. I may just have cut my losses, bandage my wounds, and live (not just move) forward. With whatever happens and whatever is to come, today I find comfort in knowing that until the day I die, God will sustain me.
So to you, my friend, who is like the palm tree blowing in the wind, don’t worry. God is the force that is keeping you from snapping in two. He will sustain you and in time, you will stand up tall again. It hurts, I know. He’s got you. Sustain.
I know it was bit broken. It wasn’t poetic at all. It was all I had.
I hope this helps.