Unintentionally, I guess I have started a two-part series as today’s post will piggyback off last week’s post The Wrong Fit. If you haven’t read last week’s post, you may want to start there.
I am going to speak from the current state of my heart today.
Last night, in a state of physical and emotional exhaustion, I laid in bed and scrolled through Instagram. Let me interject by saying that probably wasn’t the best time to scroll through social media. I saw pictures of friends huddled together, couples boo-loving, and posts with subliminal flirtation (as if I couldn’t see straight through it). There was one post in particular of someone I once dealt with posed with his love interest. Blah! In that moment, I quietly asked God, “Where do I belong?”
Disclaimer: Before we get too far, this post isn’t just about me being single. That is what it is until it’s not. Since last week’s post revolved mostly around the concept of not fitting in with people, I will continue in that vein. You are welcome to continue reading if you’d like.
Last week’s post basically talked about how I don’t fit in with the people who are most like who I used to be, but I am now forced to ask myself, “Where do I fit now that I am different?” In my previous post, I used the example of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. No matter how you try to make it work, it is not meant to work. So then the obvious choice would be to stick the square peg into the square hole…got it. In my case, sometimes I feel as if I haven’t found my square hole. This isn’t to discredit the relationships that have formed or the friendships that have withstood my transformation. This is simply my admission that I sometimes feel more lonely now than I did before.
My life seems to be stuck in a repetitive rotation of Groundhog’s Day. Work, school, home, and church on the weekends. In the moments in between, I do, give, create, think, answer, follow-up, respond, solve, meet deadlines, fix, and eventually crash. There is very little room for me to find my space. I have relationships where I can honestly say, “This feels nice,” but I haven’t quite found the one where I can say, “This feels right.” (Again, this is no shade to anyone currently in my life.) You know what I’m talking about. It’s like when you get in that perfect position on your couch, and before you know it, you are KNOCKED OUT because the nooks and crannies hug your body just right. Furthermore, it’s like when you are finally around the person that you think about all day long, and even if you just sitting quietly, listening to each other breathe, you feel safe. You know that come hell or high water, whether the trouble be big or small, that person will be there at the very least for support. That is what it feels like when you are finally where you belong. I know this because I was once in that space…not too long ago.
Sharing my story… Changing a life… Le’ sigh. Transparently speaking, I thought I had finally found “my space.” I had it in the palms of my hands. One of the most painful things has been watching this ideal slip between my fingers because it really wasn’t mine to have. If I’m truthful, losing that “space” has left me in the center of a quandary. On one hand, I long to find what really is for me, to be where I am supposed to be while on the other hand I’m apprehensive to even look again.
I placed my phone on the bed beside me and quietly asked God, “Where do I belong?” God replied, “You belong to be me.”
“God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble.“
Psalm 46:1 [New Life Version]
I was a bit confused by God’s response to my question. I had asked, “Where do I belong?” He responded, “You belong to me.” Ummmm, Mr. God, how do the two relate?
What he showed me:
Christen, you want a safe space, I know that, but ultimately you want the validation of belonging to someone. You have always had that through friendships and especially a relationship. Currently you are in a season where you are “alone” because I need you to realize where you really belong and who you belong to.
Then I ran across that scripture…
Christen, I am your space. I am like the corner of the couch that hugs you just right until you fall asleep. That is how my love holds you until you feel my peace. My presence is what makes you feel safe, even when it seems I am silent. You can feel me even you can’t hear me. And just like you’d want someone there for you come hell or high water, I am there. I’m always here to help when you are in trouble.
When I asked God where I belonged, he told me to whom I belonged. I am his, and because I belong to him, I belong in his presence.
“You who sit down in the High God’s presence spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow. Say this: ‘God you’re my refuge. I trust in you, and I am safe!’ That’s right – he rescues you from hidden traps, shields you from deadly hazards. His huge outstretched arms protect you – under them you’re perfectly safe; his arms fend off all harm.”
Psalm 91:1-4 [The Message Bible]
Maybe, just maybe this feels like more of a lonely season than seasons past because I am hidden in God’s refuge. There I am safe from the traps and danger that I may not have the strength to withstand as I am in my transition and going through my processes of healing. Maybe what feels lonely is really protection. Ha! I know all too well how God will move me or remove something/someone for my own good. He cares about me too much to allow me to be in danger while I am in such a vulnerable state of transformation.
I can only pray this made sense…
This really was for someone who, like me, is caught between “I don’t belong there,” and “Where do I belong?” You know all too well what is the wrong fit, and you are dying to find the right fit. I give to you what I have received: You belong to God. And it’s safe in his arms.
I hope this helps.