Adulting: I Don’t Feel Like It

Addition, subtraction, steering, and makeup application…  My morning drive is usually a test to see how well I can multi-task (don’t judge me), but now we’re adding math in the mix too, Chris?  My brain crunched numbers trying to figure out how many miles on average I drive per day and week therefore configuring how long I have until my warranty expires.  I found myself trying to determine which activities I could cut from my weekly routine so that I wouldn’t need to use my car as often.  I applied blush and freaked out.  I blotted my lipstick and worried.  I drove, and with each mile I found myself a bit more stressed until I’d had enough.

| Adulting: I Don’t Feel Like It |

It seems as if I have spent the better part of the the last few months having to adult.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that I’m almost 32, and I have been flying solo out of my daddy’s house for almost a decade, but dang!  I thought my twenties got me together, but these thirties, baby!  Whew!  I’ve had to make hard decisions about major transitions, consider my debt to income ratio, think about long-term career moves, and sign my name on contracts while praying that I’m making the right decision.  That’s the thing that has been stressing me the most:  I’ve made so many decisions in my life time that I thought were good, logical decisions that in turn were doozies that left me worse off or with a new mess to clean up.  Furthermore, after you’ve made so many bad decisions, you become afraid to make any decisions at all.  Such was the case last week as I sat trying to decide whether or not to sign my name on yet another dotted line and again this week as I contemplated my next move.  To know me is to know that though I can be emotional – mostly because I am an empath who feels deeply – I am very logical when it comes to making decisions – mostly because I am an overthinker and a control freak.  Now that is a combination.  I will crutch numbers, try to predict outcomes, and explore all options sometimes to the point of procrastination and ultimately indecision.  Heck, I’ve been toiling over what to cook for dinner tonight since Sunday!  SUNDAY!  It’s Thursday, and I’m still looking up recipes as if I don’t know how to cook.  I am legit getting on my own nerves at this point.  *shaking my head*  Over the last few months, all of my overthinking and logical exploration has led to anxiety and stress, and when I finally made a decision, I’ve found myself worrying over it.  This morning as I drove to work trying to do quick math on how many miles I didn’t need to drive so that I could have some more time with my warranty, I got fed up.  Though I had been driving silently tuning out whatever song was playing in the background, I opened my mouth and yelled, “I don’t feel like it!  I don’t feel like worrying anymore!”

And there you have it, folks… I don’t feel like worrying anymore.

The truth is, there is no way I can return my adulthood to the store.  I’ve had it so long that my free trial has expired, and I have lost the receipt.  There are also no exchanges permitted; I tried.  I am stuck being an adult until the good Lord calls me home to glory (I sound so old LOL).  In this time that I remain on God’s green earth, I will continue to face moments where I have to make tough decisions, and I am going to question if I have the wherewithal to make the right choice.  Some things will be “no brainers,” and I’ll probably still want to fast for 40 days and 40 nights, turn my face to the wall, sit in sackcloth and ashes, and ask God to take God’s finger of love to write clearly on the wall what it is that I should do.  Whew, I’m so extra!  And after I have finally made my choice, I will spend too much time trading the excitement I should have for the worry that I shouldn’t.  I have done just that in the last week.  I won’t get into all of the actual factuals, but just know that I knew I needed to make a decision, so I gathered so much information that I didn’t know what to do with it,  prayed and cried, talked to a more adultier adult or two, gathered more information, talked to a professional and was presented with a solution, wallowed in anxiety concerning that solution, finally made a choice, then spent the last eight days questioning my decision.  I haven’t been excited yet even when others where excited for me.  Actually, it wasn’t until yesterday when my therapist affirmed that I made a good choice that I breathed a sigh of relief.  All of that just for me to start worrying about something else this morning.  Oh my God, and don’t get me started on the pandemonium surrounding the Coronavirus, the economy, whether or not my job will get closed because the virus has been confirmed in my region, all this election stuff on top of me trying to make time for self-care, stop stuffing my face so I can lose weight, regulate and maintain my blood pressure, drink enough water, try to make friends, fast for Lent, keep my skin moisturized, and mind my durn business in an age where everybody’s business is public knowledge.  Whew, child!!!  (Are y’all reading this as quickly as my brain is reeling and my heart is palpitating?)

My randomly boisterous outburst in the car wasn’t me giving up on being a responsible adult…that’s impossible.  My outburst was my declaration that even with aaaaaaaaaalllllll of the side effects of adulting, I CAN’T WORRY ANYMORE … right now.  Sis is tired.  Sis needs a break.  Sis has had enough.  Sis can’t handle it.  Sis is giving it to God.  SIS IS ME!

“Don’t worry about anything; instead pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God’s peace which exceeds anything we can understand.”

Philippians 4: 6-7 [New Living Translation]

THE MORAL OF THE STORY

Y’all, I have legit driven myself coo coo for Cocoa Puffs trying to make sure my decisions are perfect and make sure the effects of my decisions are perfect too.  In a nutshell, I’ve been low key trying to star in the role of God in the hit stage play The Life and Times of Chris.  I don’t have all power in my hands, and there is no way that I can control what will happen next.  Life is finna happen, and I’m going to have to just trust that God will lead me to make the next decision when the current one fails or expires.  I have to trust that God won’t let my life just fall all apart.  This dumb worry has the power to convince me that my life is in shambles when it is perfectly resting in God’s hands.  I am NOT out of the scope of God’s control.

So, check it… the scripture gives me the solution to my problem.  When I feel the urge to worry, I need to pray.  When I can’t figure ish out, I need to tell God what I need.  And when I feel overwhelmed with what it seems I don’t have, I need to thank God for what God has already done for me.  Pray + tell God what I need + thank God… But wait, why do I need to tell God what I need if God already knows?  According to Chris, sometimes you have to open your mouth and say state your needs because just because you need it doesn’t mean you want it right now.  Have you ever had somebody come to you to fall out and complain about a situation, you give them the perfect solution, but they’d rather keep their issue?  Have you ever had someone who you knew needed some money, and their pride caused them to refuse it when you offered it?  Heck, have you known somebody whose breath was DAAAAAANK, and when you offered them the gum they needed, they said they didn’t want any gum?  (Side note: please ALWAYS take the gum!  As stingy as people can be with gum, they won’t offer it if they don’t think you need it!)  Consider the same to be true with God.  God can know and have what you need but still want you to ask because it reveals at least two things: your willingness to relinquish your worry and embrace God’s solution…however God wants to do it AND your willingness to be vulnerable and trust God.

Pray + Tell God What I Need + Thank God = Peace

The remedy for worry is peace.

Thank you, Jesus.  I don’t need to figure things out for the long term.  I don’t need to recalculate and stress.  I don’t need to have Plans A-M.  I need peace.  I have been extremely tired and bogged down not just because I’ve been adulting, but because in my adulting, I’ve been worried.  Today, I am declaring, “I don’t feel like it.  I don’t feel like worrying anymore.”  During my lunch break while I’m eating my wangz and sipping on my water (#balance), I’m gonna have a chat with God.  I really need to tell God what’s on my heart that has me flipping out and how I need God to meet that need.  Secondly, I have to tell God, “Thank you” for all of the things that God has done to even get me to this point.  I’ve had struggles, but I am beyond blessed.  Lastly, I’m going to allow God to exchange my worry for God’s peace that exceeds what I can understand.  Then, I’m gonna wipe my hands from my chicken wangz and pray I make it back into work on time.  Oh, and when I get inside, I’m going to wash my hands.  Coronavirus is amongst us. *smile*

Pray + Tell God What I Need + Thank God = Peace

Got it?

I hope this helps. I love you with my whole heart, and I mean it.
-Chris

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