Chapter 29: “And She Began Living”

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First of all,

HAPPY 29TH BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEEEEEEE!

Today is a very special day for me.  As you can see it is CDay, my very own national holiday, but today symbolizes sooooo much more.  July 26, 2017 marks the first day of my new season.  Year 28 was one of the most difficult years of my entire life.  Though I have said that several times before, this time it is a fact.  I felt aches and pains physically and emotionally that I have never felt before.  I had old woulds that I thought were healed abruptly ripped back open.  I lost damn near everything: my apartment, money, close friendships, my mind at some points, and almost my life…almost my life.  There were too many nights where I contemplated ending it all…not just giving up, ending it ALL.  The burdens, the heartbreak, the loneliness, the emptiness, the feelings of failure, even the fight to survive and rebuild was too much!  There was only so much I could take, and I thought I had reached my limit.  The smile was cracking and it hurt worse to “fake okay” when I knew I wasn’t.  I’d give to the world leading, singing, doing, and being then collapse into deep depression behind closed doors.  Year 28 coerced me to give my joy away, to fear that love wasn’t for me, to think that God forgot about me and was punishing me.  Why else would I go through so many cycles of sickness and pain?  For what other reason was I crushed so badly by people I loved?  Why else would gangs of friends dwindle down to a strong one and two possibles?  28 whooped my a*$ behind.  July 26, 2017… Chapter 28 is OVER and Chapter 29 has begun!  I am NO LONGER bound to the issues, difficulties, or pain of the last chapter; it is closed.  I only take with me the lessons and revelations.  For the last few weeks, I have been very reflective, and through introspection I was forced to see CHRISTEN.  I took the time to fully assess what has hurt me and what I have allowed to remain in my life that continues to hurt me.  I started (and will continue) my quest to close and rewrite chapters for my sanity sake…for my future’s sake.  CHAPTER 29 HAS BEGUN, AND I REFUSE TO RELIVE CHAPTER 28! 

If I were to write a letter to myself, this is what it would say:

Dear Chrissy,

I am so very proud of you.  You didn’t die!  You’re still here, you’re still breathing, you’re still alive, and you still have purpose.  Congratulations on creating a new life for yourself as your current life was crumbling.  You took a chance to go back to school, you found the courage to trust at least one friend, and you didn’t give up on God even when you didn’t understand Him….even when you were mad at Him.  You endured the worst of the worst, now  go enjoy better.  No more just being alive…LIVE, CHRIS!  “You’ve got a RIGHT to live!”  Laugh – at everything, all the time, until your cheeks hurt, until your cry, until your dumb laugh makes someone else get weak, even when you want to be sad… LAUGH! Don’t stop loving love… LOVE IS FOR YOU AND IT WILL FIND YOU!!!!  God will allow you to have the love that HE ORDAINED for you!  And ooooooo girl, it’s gonna be soooooooo good!!!!  Tell your story!  You are making such a difference even when you find ways to count yourself out.  Somebody needs you and they are watching you.  Chris, choose forgiveness.  The only way to move forward is to forgive, and you know this.  Don’t keep going back to those tombs and digging up those pains.  You can do this, okay?  Lastly, don’t settle until you have what God promised you.  If it doesn’t make you a little scared or uncomfortable because it interrupts your norm, if it doesn’t challenge and pull you, if it doesn’t push you to God to accomplish it, it’s not from Him.  What HE has for you will change your entire life and pull you close to him.  Don’t settle for small dreams and easy goals.  Birth all that God has given you.  You can do this…. This is your season, and you will rebuild.

With love,

Chrissy from Chapter 29

CHEERS to my new day, my new year, and my new season.  Just like I have shared the trials of previous chapters, I aim to share the triumphs of Chapter 29.  Today I am grateful for life and the life that remains to be lived!

“Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worth in us…”

Ephesians 3:20 [King James Version}

“Expect the Great”

Performed by: Jonathan Nelson & Purpose

Written by: Jonathan Nelson, Kenneth Shelton, and Darien Dennis

This is just the beginning
The year of refreshing
His plan now unfolding
The time of your great blessing

Expect nothing but victory
That’s the promise of our King
To do exceedingly, abundantly
Above what you ask or think so

Anticipate
Faith activates
This is your year
Your moment is here

Expect the great blessing now

Expect the great
The blessing is on you

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Alicia Perez says:

    Girl! I love this!! I’m so happy that you didn’t give up and glad that you took a chance to go back to school , because I would have never gotten the chance to meet you. And girl, am I happy you did!! This may be odd, but school each night is not the same without you, at least for me. Yes I’m in school for me, but I love having you as a friend to go through it with. Keep going and life is just going to get better and go up from here!!
    Happy birthday!!!!

    1. Abigail!!!! Thank you so much for these words… And thanks for being my friend. I really appreciate you as a person, and I’m enjoying traveling this journey with you!

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